7. 00 am – Alarm goes off… press snooze… alarm goes off again… press snooze… alarm goes off again… pull alarm out of wall and throw into pile of dirty clothes in corner. (Dirty clothes corner is fast becoming the majority of my bedroom.)
8.00 am – Should be leaving flat for work but instead still have wet hair, brushing teeth… any hope of breakfast is fading fast. (Hmm maybe I’ll just Subway it again, mmmm, sammich.)
9.00 am – Time at which work is theoretically supposed to start. In reality I arrive about 10-30 minutes later. Then spend another half hour trying to make it look like I’ve been there on time. (Forgetting I work in a building with more surveillance than a Las Vegas Casino.)
10.00 am – Small talk with co-workers as they dump a never ending stream of mind numbing paperwork on my desk. (Never once explaining to them that most of this s*&t is not my job.)
11.00 am – Have battle with the office printer… loose battle… get covered in ink… watch as someone else easily fixes problem and then looks at me with the same expression I get when I watch that video with the narcoleptic kittens. (Half amused, half sad for them.)
12.00 am – Finally finished printing out everything ever written… take said piles down to archive… knock over boxes… get covered in dust… sneeze for rest of hour. (also dust sticks to wet ink in a lovely, extremely professional looking way.)
1.00 pm – Lunch time sitting with Stanley and trying not to stare at Katie and Mister Cutie while Stanley explains the fundamental flaws in current ‘Death Ray’, ‘Sleep Gas’, “Sonic Blah, Blah”, “insert terrifying contraption here”.
2.00 pm – Interview combat agents regarding their usage of inventory… listen to them recount why they felt the need to use the rocket launcher or the death ray… become increasingly uncomfortable in the presence of these agents… submit paperwork (be sure not to include inflammatory phrases like “appears to be in psychotic death rage” or “agent mistaking mission for Quentin Tarantino film”)
3.00 pm – Attend afternoon meeting… sit quietly while group discusses activity of villains… try not to look uncomfortable when a certain name is mentioned… try not to be confused over sexuality when pictures of Helena are shown… try not to snort tea out of nose when Michael makes charming joke/comment… again.
4.00 pm – Lee Vs Printer round 2… Fight!... Lose! (The new coat of ink covers the dust at little… sigh.)
5.00 pm – Should be leaving work but have gotten so behind on everything that I have to stay longer just so I don’t have to spend tomorrow in double speed mode (which can, in my office, end with a body count.)
6.00 pm – Getting closer to being able to leave work… finishing up and getting coat while running the gauntlet of humiliating and painful co-worker interactions. (Duck now to avoid awkward conversation with Michael, hide behind pillar to prevent having to watch Katie and Mister Cutie walking out of building, holding hands.)
7.00 pm – Get home and decide to start eating ‘real’ food tomorrow… order food for one… start writing… become aware of how pointless my existence is… try to resist polishing off a bottle of wine and an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s… fail to resist.